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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Life... sucks

Time for sehseh ranting...

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"Wake up and smell the coffee"

Everyday when I wake up, it's not coffee I smell. Rather, the horrid stench of my decaying spirit. (Btw, I'm not a fan of coffee)

Sometimes I feel so depressed I'd rather not waking up. No, I'm still far from hitting my midlife crisis but it's scary all the same for me to feel this way in my early 20's.

The truth is, I don't know what to do with my life. Everything was moving forward while I'm just 'stagnant'. I don't know where I'm heading and all I did was just walking ahead, without specific destination (for the optimistic, you can say I just go with the flow). In fact, while watching [Men in Pain], I realize that I'm just like Hong Sai Hei (Ron Ng).

I think many people will resonate with my feelings that we constantly disappoint our parents. I always use the excuse that I will buckle up when I reach 26 years old. In a way, I pushed any responsibility away because I think I'm still young and therefore entitled to be 'yam sing'. Recently, I began to have thoughts of abandoning everything and just 'escape'.

(Un)Fortunately, sanity prevailed. I'm still complaining on how life sucks. Well, at least I know more than half of the world population utter this sentence daily.

I know, wallowing in self pity won't help. Perhaps like Hong Hei, I will only learn when I made mistake. Or perhaps buying those self help book may help, at least it's not as costly as making another big mistake in life :P

Sometimes, I just need someone to tell me; Would you just GROW UP?!!!


Funn Lim said...

Sehseh, I am still at that juncture.

I guess perhaps it is time that people should just stop asking us to grow up. How grown up must be grow to be so as to be considered grown up? Why can't we be irresponsible, for once?

My family, it is those who are irresponsible PLUS a huge liability that gets all the perks whilst hard working ones like us bear the negative results. Like for example a person who has a tendency to borrow money from ah longs. When parent deciced to part with property, it is that useless bum who gets some money because "he can't take care of himself but you can because you study more". Yeah, I have credit card bills, how about that?! Ended up i frustratingly exclaimed "I should have been a bum!" instead of Marlon Brando's famous quote in his movie On The Waterfront, "I could have been somebody, instead I am a bum!".

But Sehseh, take heart in the saying of the great John Lennon;

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans.

Sometimes life, like nature will unravel itself and suddenly you might find yourself usefull at something.

Life I guess doesn't suck; people do. No! Other people suck, not us.

Babecake said...

My fave quote: "It could've been worse..."

Chin up girl, nothing is as bad as it seems. Life does suck at times but it'll pass. A lot of people don't know what they want to do with their life...

What was it my English teacher always said? "Seek and yee shall find"...

Stumbled across ur blog the other day - a hidden gem! :D Thanks for sharing... ;)

Jayne said...

Sehseh everyone will feel the same way you feel once in awhile. One of the greatest fears of growing older is how our lives unfold or whether we meet our own expectations (or those of our parents) in career, accomplishments, etc.

If you can identify the parts of your current life that you feel "stagnant" in, perhaps you can focus on changing that situation and making things better. In some of your past entries, you complained about your job. Since we spend so much time at our jobs, finding a fulfilling job would definitely make all of us happier.

There is always something new that we can learn, a book that we can read to improve ourselves or increase our personal growth right?

Most Asian families instill expectations of responsibility on their unlike Funn's advice, it's virtually impossible to throw away our parents' life teachings on us and just turn our backs and say we don't care. But it's still good to communicate with them, talk about what would make you happy, that perhaps their expecations of you are not realistic etc. In the end, your parents would much rather you be happy than just fulfilling their expectations of you.

sehseh said...

I don't know what came over me. Every now and then I will write this kind of potentially embarrassing post.

I guess my frustration are not due to my parent's expectation. It's more due to not living up to my own expectation.

I realize that I've become more and more irresponsible (or bum by Funn's definition) after leaving college.

Never been rebellious teen, in fact star student and juggle a myriad of posts. I'm used to making my folks proud. But now... I'm living for the sake of living.

Wake up, get ready for work, work, lunch, get off work, shower, dinner, rest and go to sleep.

I need to find a goal, I can't just waste my youth like this.

Maybe I should just save some money, pack up my bags and travel. But I will most probably be strucked by lightning for doing that to my parent.

Helen said...

Sehseh, your frustrations sounded like mine. I know how you feel since I have been through this. Actually, I still feel the same way as you do every now and then. All I can say is, don't give yourself too much pressure. Our lives are very straightforward when we are at school. In a way it is a very protected environment. We just need to study, get good grades and hopefully enjoy ourselves on the way. But it is very different in the real world. The transition is NOT EASY at all. Life is a process. You cannot jump to success or suddenly got enlightened over night. Give yourself some patience and confidence. Relax a bit. You may think you are wasting time and going everywhere without a direction. But actually, you have gained and learned more bit by bit, day by day.

toomanysidesofme said...

All in short what I would say can be summarized in one quote "Happiness is your own responsibility"

I know it doesn't help this situation you are in. What whatever happiness is to you, it is up to you to seek it, and no one else's.

Anonymous said...

Yah, I feel the same way...frustrated! I used to think that after graduating from college, I would know what I wanted to do and that, for the most part, it would be smooth sailing from there on. I would be able to get a decent paying job, bring home the "bacon", etc. I think my parents expected that too.
However, it's not so.
I'm currently planning to go back to school to get another degree because can't get easily get a job with the one I have; if I do, it likely won't pay the bills. Heck, I'm still working at the fast food joint that I started when still in high school while taking the pre-requisite courses. Everytime I'm at work, I'm depressed.
It sucks because like you, I feel that while everyone is moving on, I'm stationary. *sigh*
The above advices are all great, but really, it's easier said than done. My emphathy goes out to you, sehseh.
Thank you, Funn for that hilarious comment. "Other people suck. Not us!"--tu

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